


Unloveable

by sugarplumsenpai



Series: Sugarplum's Summer Drabbles [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Post-War, Sharing a Bed, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 03:22:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11348832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarplumsenpai/pseuds/sugarplumsenpai
Summary: Experiences leave marks.A story about nightmares, the end of the war, and Levi and Eren sharing a bed. (You're welcome! ;) )[Written for the prompts "Watch and learn!” and Accidental/Panicked Confession]





	Unloveable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dreamxxdream](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamxxdream/gifts), [milleandra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/milleandra/gifts), [Traumeriane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Traumeriane/gifts).



> This story would not have been written without a lot of amazing people. First there are Millie and Traumeriane whose lovely prompts first sparked this fic into life. Thank you so much, you two. I truly did not plan to write you a story this long, but it somehow happened and I hope you will like what I made out of your requests. Then there is Nadine, whose [amazing fanart](http://dreamxxdream.tumblr.com/post/161434655797) wouldn't go out of my head as I wrote and somehow inspired me to make this story into what it has become. And, of course, there are the always amazing Nada, San, and L., who not only beta read this story and gave the best of advice, but also keep on bearing with me when I despair whilst at the same time cheering me on in good times just as well. I love you. Thank you so much! 
> 
> And now, I hope you have a good time with this story. 
> 
> \- - - 
> 
> I know I'm unlovable  
> You don't have to tell me  
> I don't have much in my life  
> But take it, it's yours
> 
> I wear black on the outside  
> 'Cause black is how I feel on the inside  
> And if I seem a little strange  
> Well, that's because I am
> 
> I don't have much in my life  
> But take it, it's yours
> 
> – The Smiths

The nightmares started with the end of the war.

If they all would have shown death and gore, it probably would have been bearable somehow. Levi was used to the images, used to the blood under his fingernails, knew the crust would never come off completely, no matter how good the soap was or how thoroughly he’d scrub. He knew his hands were lethal; they almost felt odd without the swords by now, like missing a limb. His arms were too short without them, and yet the callouses and bruises and scars remained. He didn’t know a life without fighting. Death had been his constant companion ever since he could remember.

The dreams were rarely about death itself though. In death, Levi thought grimly, at least lay rest for those who went. In living, on the other hand, only lay suffering and struggling.

He dreamt about fear.

He’d long learned to deal with it. Knew that fear could numb someone, paralyze them, and he'd learned early to channel it. To put it to his own use in a way that made him walk on it.

But now.

He dreamt about his own heartbeat hammering against his ribs, pumping adrenaline through his veins to make him ready for battle, to keep him alert and his senses sharpened until he’d sense every enemy, every movement in his back. He’d hear people scream, far away and near, but always out of his reach. He dreamt about lightings and steam, about being blind and waiting for the battle. He dreamt about being alone. About being down in the Underground again, and about the smiling faces he’d lost.

Admittedly, it wasn’t really the dreams that were the worst part. It was the waking up with the knife in his hand and realising that everything truly had happened. And that he still was here.

He wasn’t the only one. They all looked ghastly at breakfast these days, Mikasa trying to keep her headache in check with her hands pressing against her brow. Armin’s eyes blank and ice blue cold. Sasha so adrift that she even pushed away her food. Jean with dark circles under his reddened eyes, although he at least tried to keep up some conversation. Hanji didn’t even try to show up for the meals, not that this was anything newsworthy, would vanish so deeply in her books and notes and research and paperwork that it sometimes seemed she’d never come out again. And Eren…

He was too pale. He carried heavy, bruised bags under his eyes and though he tried to act as if nothing was wrong, he couldn’t fool anyone. He picked at his food even though he ate it, his hair regularly stuck out in wrong places from being pulled at, even though he always made sure to shower and keep himself clean. He’d begun to chew at his lip until it steamed and once he even managed to shift accidentally. Luckily it happened out in the open grounds and not indoors, but he was so completely disoriented that Levi had to cut him out. Afterwards Eren's state only got worse, so Levi went to see Hanji.

“We should watch him more carefully,” he said, standing in front of her desk. “He’s a risk like this.”

Heaving a sigh, Hanji scratched her head. Her hair was so greasy that day that Levi actively had to repress a shudder while he tried to estimate when she’d last seen water.

“What do you suggest, Levi?”

He didn't answer. Frankly, he didn't really know either. He’d already tried exercise and vigils and extra food. Nothing had helped so far.

“A bath,” he advised eventually as she scratched her head again. “Soap would be good too.”

“Don’t deflect,” she replied.

Levi frowned. “I give you until tomorrow before I’ll assist with that.”

“Fine.”

“Until breakfast. And not just your hands this time.”

She sank back in her chair and rolled her eyes. “Fine.”

“There’s a life outside this office, you know.” He folded his arms at her knowing gaze and added: “I can’t talk to them in a way they understand. They need you too.”

“Yes, I know. Thank you.”

“Hm. Go to Sasha and Armin first.”

“I will.”

“Good.”

Silence fell.

“I could conduct experiments,” Hanji picked up where they first left off.

“No,” Levi said firmly. Hanji didn't mean badly, but she wasn’t fully herself these days, and he wouldn't let this happen.

“But controlled shifting would tire him and I-”

“No," he insisted. "Don’t you think he’s at his limit already? And you’ve had your share. The war is over. Find yourself a new hobby.”

“Yes, you're right.” She sighed again. “But what else can we do? I wouldn’t put him into a cell again either. It would hardly be helpful in this case.”

Levi silently agreed. Locking Eren up would maybe keep him away from others, but it wouldn’t keep him away from himself. Nor would it solve the problem.

“What if you watched him?” Hanji suggested. 

“You mean at night.”

“Yes.”

Averting his gaze to the window Levi thought about it. There was no point in admitting to his own sleeplessness and nightmares, even in front of Hanji. Not because she wouldn’t understand. But rather because he thought she probably already knew about them. It wasn’t like he’d been a restful sleeper before to begin with.

They both knew there was no one else for the job. They both knew it would give Levi a task again too.

He nodded.

“Good, then. Should I tell him?”

“No,” Levi said. “I will.”

One day later he moved in with Eren.

 

\- - -

 

Eren was so exhausted that he didn't even show any real reaction when Levi told him to move to their new quarter after training. He only hung his head and went to fetch his things.

The shared chamber was relatively spacious. It had something like a small office in the form of two desks, with a pair of armchairs each that could almost be called comfortable, a big double window, an own hearth, and even a tiny kitchen. The two bedrooms were separated by a thin wall, but connected by a door. The quarter even had its own bathroom, and upon seeing the tub Levi decided he should thank Hanji for allocating them one of the nicer places.

Levi knew that they’d made the right decision about Eren when he fell right onto one of the beds, rolled himself up like a cat, and was almost immediately asleep. He was still fully dressed and armoured, lacking only his boots which he had diligently taken off in the entrance.

Eren slept through the afternoon. He also slept through the evening. And through the night as well. He was still sleeping when morning dawned, and being familiar with Eren’s fits of long rests after various experiments and battles that had drained him of energy more than once, Levi let him.

Every now and then, Eren audibly tossed around in his bed, making the frame creak. Sometimes he screamed, only to break it off abruptly and fall silent again.

Levi didn't get much rest that night. The breathing from next door mingled with the occasional yells and made his senses stay alert until he gave up trying and opted to go back to his paperwork instead. While he made himself a pot of tea for the night shift, he filled up a glass of water for Eren and quietly set it on his bedside table. After screaming like he did and sleeping for so long, Eren would need it when he’d wake up.

Before he slipped out of the room again, Levi took a last glance at the bed. At some time since Eren had fallen asleep, he’d rolled around and seized a big part of the blanket he still lay on in a hug, his legs still slightly tucked up. It wasn’t a particularly warm night, and yet his hair was dark and damp with sweat, partly lay wildly all across his pillow and partly stuck to his brow. Going by the steam that rose gently from his bottom lip and almost looked silvery in the pale moonlight, he’d just bitten on it again.

Levi never had gotten used to share his nights with someone, separated or not. Even back in the days in the Underground, he'd been one of those few who never had to sleep out on the streets. He’d always locked his room from his side of the door during the nights for the first one or two months with Farlan and then again when Isabel joined. Caution could save lives after all.

With Eren he didn't even feel the need to lock the door, leaving it slightly ajar as he returned to his desk. Somehow, after all they'd been through, it felt oddly comforting to know he wasn't all alone.

The treacherous ‘yet’ that tried to push its way into that thought, Levi fought off as well as he could.

 

\- - -

 

It only took to the next night until Levi’s own nightmares continued.

Shallow breath. Rushing towards a Titan, nearly escaping its fangs. Seeing the thundering crack of a shifting Titan, and another, and again and again. They all had the same faces as they stomped towards him.

His face, muddy from when it had been pressed into the gruesome dirt. Isabel’s beaming eyes directed at the stars. A bird flying towards the sky.

A warm, soft hand on his back, holding him close and humming gently. Smelling like comfort, home, and love, while a tear fell down onto his head.

A cranky, yet oddly caring man, handing him a knife, telling him to fight.

A young man, illuminated by a sunset over infinite waters, pointing at something far ahead that Levi couldn’t see.

Screams again. Endless screams, and he himself always out of reach to be of any good.

Levi awoke to a heavy silence, his heart racing, the knife that he’d opened with a sharp snap in his hand, a harsh order in his head, telling him to watch out. Another voice, telling him that the world still was burning, and that it always would.

He exhaled, listening into the darkness and into the quietness of reality.

It wasn’t quiet though.

Something was wrong.

There were heavy breaths from next door. After quickly checking the rest of the quarter and putting the knife back under his pillow, Levi went to the other room.

Moonlight was shining on the bed in front of him. Only a small patch of hair stood out from under the pulled up blanket, the figure underneath curled up again, his back to the door, and shaken by heavy, dry sobs that suddenly stopped with a decisive sniff, but the shudders remained.

Levi didn't have any words. Didn't know what to say. Yet Eren looked so wounded in that moment, so small and raw and close to breaking, that Levi closed the door behind him with a silent click and went to the bed.

“Scoot,” he said, not waiting for a reaction or an answer as he slipped underneath the blanket, moving up to Eren from behind.

He was warm, so warm. He froze completely, but the moment Levi spoke another sob escaped him and his back melted against Levi's chest.

“I’m here,” Levi said mildly.

Even in the middle of autumn Eren smelled like summer. Like bursting life and sun that mingled with his current sorrow. He was sticky with sweat all over, but Levi couldn't bring himself to care as he wrapped his arm around the broad chest and pressed Eren closer.

It took a long while, but the sobs got shaky, then muffled, and eventually abated fully as Eren’s breaths got deep and steady. Exhaustion took over, and his body slowly relaxed.

As opposed to Eren, Levi couldn’t go back to sleep.

As much as he was used to change beds on a regular basis without any place to call home, and as much as he’d even gotten used to sleep in his chair, this was something else entirely. It was strange as it was to share a room with someone. How did one even lie in bed next to another living and breathing person? Where to put one arm and where the other? His own feet seemed to be in the way, and did hair always tickle like this? How could Eren do it? It surely wasn’t their position that had made him doze off right away like he had.

It was so new to lay next to someone, someone who emanated their own heat and their own scent that was so intense from this close, and who moved around and made the mattress move irregularly as well. Someone who made little noises during sleep and who’d wince every now and then, feet kicking, body jerking, their heart beating…Levi could hear it.

It wasn’t completely unpleasant though either. Still, Levi had to order his pulse to calm down, push away the feeling of alarm as he stared at a mussy mop of brown locks, and tell his instincts that it was alright. That it was Eren breathing softly against his arm, Eren pressing against his chest, Eren heating up his own, ice cold feet. Smelling like rain and tears, like sunlight, and clean sweat.

Restless as he was, Levi stayed for the rest of the night, only leaving the bed at dawn when his bladder demanded the beginning of his regular morning routine. As he emerged from the bathroom, Eren was already up as well, a bright blush burning on his face and neck, but already busy with preparing a pot of tea. Eren didn’t have to say his thanks, but did so anyway as he handed Levi his cup.

Levi took a first sip of the strong Assam and only nodded.

Eren smiled, eyes still tired and bruised and slightly swollen, but alive again. They finished their tea and then they went about their day.

 

\- - -

 

If his years as a Squad Leader had taught Levi anything, it was that lazing around when there wasn’t actually much to do didn’t help any of them. Hence he continued training with his unit to pass the time with something useful and purposeful. 

It wasn’t yet clear what would become of the Survey Corps or the Military in general now that the war was won. Hanji—who had kept her word and emerged from her office—expected a change in the divisions, especially since the Garrison wasn’t really needed anymore.

There’d also been speculations amongst the higher-ups about dismissing some veterans for reduction of costs, but Levi didn’t believe it to be true until he saw it. He guessed they’d rather make cuts on the wages than letting people go. Not that he’d wished for a new life. He didn’t know anything else. Then again, when had he ever truly been asked what he wanted to do. In the end his decisions never had been made freely. To even think of that kind of prospect now seemed odd and although he'd once silently wished for another future, he’d never been one too cheerful on hope.

Not to mention that Hope himself had lost his cheerfulness massively ever since the war had ended.

Maybe this was what made Levi ignore his own bed on the following night as well and go into the room next door. Eren didn’t seem to mind and, on the contrary, carefully snuggled closer as soon as Levi had slipped under the blanket too, until his nape was directly under Levi’s nose again. An exposed row of vertebrae rose vulnerably from the collar of Eren's flimsy shirt, and Levi found himself wilfully inhaling the welcoming scent of Eren’s hair as he closed his own eyes whilst wrapping his arm around Eren’s waist.

It still felt odd and unaccustomed. He still didn’t really know what to do with his lower arm, and his instinct still rose, telling him to fight this.

Yet Eren’s heat was the same. His heartbeat was powerful and regular. His body strong and lean and oddly familiar, his breath even and gentle against Levi’s chest.

Somehow, eventually, Levi found himself drifting off into some fitful sleep of his own.

 

\- - -

 

After a week or so of sharing a blanket and their sleep, neither of them didn’t even pretend anymore that this was something odd. Eren already made enough room for Levi, and Levi instantly hugged Eren close as he nuzzled into the junction of shoulders, neck, and hair.

Eren’s previous paleness slowly but surely made way to his usual tanned tone and a healthier colour on his cheeks. The heavy, bruised bags under his eyes vanished more and more as well, and his appetite fully returned. Meanwhile Levi found it more and more easy to sleep right next to someone else. It almost scared him when he realised that he not only wanted this, but that he seemed to actually need it too. His body felt more relaxed in the mornings and grew more and more impatient for some renewed physical contact with every waking hour that passed, until dusk came, and everything would start from anew.

His skin rejoiced in the closeness. It seemed to seek Eren, to crave for his vitality, his warmth, and something else Levi didn’t have any words for. He found calmness in Eren’s scent and peace in how it felt pressing his nose against the collar of Eren’s shirt, right where it exposed his neck. He found himself counting Eren’s breaths when he couldn’t sleep and listening to his heartbeat. He’d even found a solution for his spare and somehow superfluous arm and a good, comfortable place for both his feet.

It alarmed him how famished he felt from the moment they’d untangle in the morning, how incomplete, and how relief would rush through every single one of his nerve endings when Eren rolled around on the mattress when they went to bed, awaiting him, never demanding anything, offering him kindness.

As soon as they’d step out of the bed, neither of them mentioned their arrangement and they both kept silent about it for the rest of the day. However, Eren continued preparing their morning tea while Levi showered and shaved, and always offered Levi his cup with a thankful nod that Levi always returned.

The only conversation they had about it, was Eren looking up from his cup with Assam one day, frowning faintly and then saying: “I don’t mind you bringing the knife to bed, you know. I know you sleep better with it.”

Cradling his own cup in his hand, Levi blinked through the aromatic steam rising gently before his eyes in a cordial plume and nodded. “Alright.”

The nightmares kept on visiting both of them, but with every passing day Levi was more and more convinced that Eren had hardly slept at all after the end of the war. Not until they’d moved into their shared quarter at least. He confronted Eren with this one night as they had settled into their usual position and found his hunch confirmed when Eren sensibly blushed hotly under Levi’s nose.

“No,” Eren admitted, his heartbeat quickening slightly against Levi's chest.

Levi thought he already knew the reason, but asked nonetheless. “Why.”

Shifting in Levi’s arms with a rustle of the bedsheets to roll onto his back, Eren seemed to hold back a sigh. The frown was back on his brow, and the dim, clouded blackness outside painted the room with sheltering shadows. “It was better than seeing things.”

It was clear that Eren didn’t only speak about his own nightmares. Ever since they’d discovered the secrets of the basement, it was clear that the former recollections mingled more and more with Eren’s own until they'd become one single pool of memories and horrors. Sometimes it must have been hard for Eren to tell images from the former hosts apart from his own, to decide which emotions belonged to himself and which to someone else entirely.

“Do you need to talk about it?” Levi asked cautiously into the dark night, not wanting to push with the question what had changed Eren’s mind.

“No,” Eren said quietly.

“Alright.” He let his thumb brush over the fabric of Eren’s shirt in affirmation and was almost certain to feel Eren’s grateful smile as he turned around again to slide back into Levi’s arms.

 

\- - -

 

It wasn’t too long until Levi found himself back in his own nightmares as well.

Red flares shooting up into the sky with snapping clicks and sudden pangs.

Searching for the serum that should be somewhere in his pockets, but yet was nowhere to be found.

The flapping of wings.

The mist again. Dense and devastating.

Someone moving over him, straddling him, and holding him down by squeezing his wrists and gently, but firmly, pinning him down into the soft ground.

“Levi.”

Blinking away the images and noises in his head, he recognised his surroundings and the figure hovering above him; face worried, big eyes shining in the darkness, voice hushed, breaths laboured, body warm. So warm.

“It’s me.”

Eren.

“You started to fight me,” he explained, letting go and moving away from Levi’s lap to sit down on the edge of the bed, just far enough away so that Levi could sit up. “Do you know where you are?” he asked.

“What. Yes.” Levi swallowed. “Yes.”

“Good.” Eren shortly brushed a sticky strand of hair out of Levi’s brow, and then stood up. “I’ll make us some tea.”

It wasn’t until Eren was out of the room and began to clank around in the kitchen, that Levi realised he’d given him time to compose himself. Tears had streamed down his cheeks and temples during his sleep and had begun to dry into salty crusts. The pillow was wet, smelling of damp downs, and his throat felt raw. He must have screamed.

Suppressing a cursed “fuck,” he cast away the blanket to pad over into the bathroom, while he waited for his adrenaline-driven heartbeat and breath to slow down.

The water from the tap was pleasantly cool, and after cleaning his face he also dampened his nape and neck. His reflexion looked like a ghost staring back out of the mirror. Eyes bruised and dark, skin pale and almost stretched over the cheekbones and seemingly too thin, framed by dishevelled black wisps of usually so obedient hair. The patchy morning shadow only added to the picture, and not for the first time in his life Levi felt old and worn out.

Back in the kitchen, Eren already awaited him, sitting at the table with two teacups steaming in front of him. His face was still full with worry which he didn’t even try to hide.

“I’m fine,” Levi said, not really knowing who exactly he tried to convince, but suspecting he probably succeeded with neither of them. “Thank you.”

“Mm,” Eren relented, sipping on his share of the tea with a wary gaze and a lingering, small frown.

Instead of their usual Assam, Eren had chosen a new tea. A herbal infusion that soothed Levi’s nerves at the assuaging flavour of chamomile, lavender, and a hint of roses.

How long had Eren had this in his possession? It was a good choice.

They drank in silence, watching the moonless, yet star-scattered sky outside the window, and taking in the sounds of sleeping HQ. Levi could sense Eren’s mind running, forming words and questions he wanted to ask but didn’t just yet.

“Thank you,” Eren said after a while. “For doing this for me, I mean. For being here. Before, I didn’t–” He paused, staring into the half-emptied cup in his hands as though it contained the words he was looking for.

“A few days after the last battle I woke up to blood on my pillow," he began again. "I remembered that I’d dreamt of fighting and that I must have had woken up shortly too. But nothing else. After that, I guess, I didn’t trust myself enough to sleep anymore.”

“You thought you’d shift,” Levi prodded quietly.

Eren chewed on his lip, caught himself doing so, and clenched his jaw. “Yes. And then it really did happen, and it only got worse.”

Levi didn’t point out that Eren knew he'd shifted because he'd been too tired to make a conscious decision in the first place. Instead he merely nodded.

“I trust you, you know,” Eren continued. “That if…when it happens, you’d take care of me.”

Determined to ignore the chill that seemed to close in on him, Levi fixed him sternly. “Eren. I can’t always be there for you. You know that.”

Slumping faintly in his chair Eren nodded. “Yes.” Then he straightened his shoulders. “I wish you could, though.” His voice stayed steady and strong, although his brow furrowed, and he began to worry at his lip again, as if he’d feared he’d said too much.

Levi wondered where this sudden insecurity came from. Ever since he’d known Eren, he had always been so self-assured in whatever he did. Even in his faults and worries there’d always been complete self assurance. He was a sheer force of nature in everything he set his mind to. Now, though, Eren seemed to be almost afraid.

It wasn’t right.

“It won’t happen again,” Levi said, staring at Eren to will him to look up again as well.

When he did, his eyes were big under furrowed brows. The starlight that shone in from the window caught in them and reflected on the first trace of morning stubbles as well.

“How can you be so certain of that,” Eren asked, stubborn now. Stubbornness was good though, Levi decided. It was a step back into the right direction. “How can I?”

Levi held Eren's gaze. “We won’t let it happen. You won’t. You just have to take better care of yourself. Sleep. Eat. And probably stop biting yourself.” As firm as he’d begun his lecture as gentle he tried to end it. The lip chewing thing had become too much of a habit over the years to be overcome. A reflex almost. Levi tended to do it himself without thinking about it.

“Okay." Eren nodded. "You’re right.”

Silence fell around them, seemingly more smoothly than before.  

However, the false ease got disrupted as Eren spoke again, his voice full with ill-guarded hope, his gaze intense. “Will you still come to me at night?”

Conflicted, Levi looked right back at Eren as he searched for the right words. It was the blank need in the request that struck him most, that made him gulp and instinctively guard his emotions.

“I shouldn’t,” he said.

Eren nodded. Tending back to his tea he didn't respond, yet there was a faint smile tugging at his lips and a barely noticeable easement in his shoulders that let Levi know that Eren had caught the fact that Levi hadn’t said “no.”

When they went back to bed, Eren pressed back so eagerly into Levi’s arms that something in Levi’s chest tightened and clenched until it hurt. It still wasn’t fully gone when he woke up the next morning, his face crowded with Eren’s damp locks, and an unwanted, pleasant ache coiling deep inside his guts.

He had intended to say no. He knew he should have. But he couldn’t. Not when Eren wanted him—had openly asked him—to be here. Not when Eren looked at him like he had. Not when his own body longed for it. Longed for some sort of connection to another human being. For some contact. For some warmth. For some hope. For someone who he could protect, and who’d protect him in return. For the feeling of a strong body in his arms, and a vulnerable neck against his nose, smelling like the most wonderful thing in the world.

 

\- - -

 

In their shared attempt to keep the soldiers occupied during the days, Levi and Hanji arranged a visit at the orphanage. The apple trees in the farm’s orchard were ready for harvest, and it would be a good change of scenery for all of them.

The weather was dull that day, with fog banks hanging heavily over the fields and forest as the weakened November sun tried its best to push a few precious beams through a misty sky. It was dry at least, and the earth still carried the spirit of summer, while the air was already rich with the scent of autumn and composting foliage.

The kids were happy about their visit. Though there’d come and gone a few since the Survey Corps had last been there, the older ones still recognized them and instantly monopolised Sasha’s and Eren’s time, dragging them away to show them something and with the urgent request to repair some toys.

The rest of them went to work in the trees, and by the late afternoon the boxes were full and the trees relieved of their load.

It had been a good plan to choose this place for the orphanage, Levi mused again as they stocked the cellar with the storable fruits. The apples would last for the winter and keep them nourished until spring came. The soldiers were granted a few baskets in exchange for their help, yet Levi made sure to keep them at an absolute minimum. The children needed them more than they did.

They came home in the late evening. By the time Levi had washed the day off with a hot bath it already was close to midnight. He emerged from the bathroom preparing to go to sleep, but instead was surprised to find Eren sitting at their kitchen table, the fire in the hearth crackling, his face a grimace of utter determination. He held a little doll in his hands and had a sewing kit close to him on the table top next to a tea set, including a steaming cup.

“Don’t they have someone at the orphanage to do this?” Levi asked.

“Yeah, they do,” Eren said almost distractedly and then looked up. “There’s more tea left.”

“Thank you.”

“Lisa didn’t want anyone else to fix him,” Eren explained as Levi sat and reached for the tea pot.

Lisa, he thought. The shy little sister of the black-haired girl that had pulled Eren away earlier that day. “Sounds like a big responsibility.”

Eren grinned. “I told her I’d have to take him with me to do it. But apparently that was fine.”

Levi gave a nod. “Hm. What’s the problem?”

“War wound.” At Levi’s questioning raise of an eyebrow, Eren chuckled. The day with the kids truly had done them all good. “The padding comes out,” he translated, offering the doll to Levi for inspection.

It was a worn-out, little thing, made of old, ragged clothes as it seemed. A seam at one of the legs had loosened to now expose a relatively big, gaping hole where straw stuck out.

“You can do this?” Levi asked, handing the doll back.

“Well...” Eren sighed. “Apparently, Lisa heard that I can fill big, horrible holes in walls and thought that would mean I could do this too, obviously.” His frown deepened again. “I promised to bring him back tomorrow.”

Levi nodded and reached for the sewing kit. “Fetch us a lamp.”

Eren obeyed, and a few minutes later he watched Levi patching up Lisa’s little friend, explaining to Eren what he did.

“That's it?” Eren asked after a few stitches.

“That's it,” Levi said as he handed the doll over again so Eren could finish it, just as he’d promised.

It wasn’t a particularly pretty job in the end, but the doll wasn’t particularly pretty to begin with, and Levi doubted Lisa would truly mind. Still, Eren eyed his own work with criticism and a concerned scowl.

“If she worries about that little beading there,” Levi said, “tell her it’s a scar and that he was brave.”

A gentle smile began to spread on Eren’s face as he carefully ran a finger over the renewed seam and he nodded. “Yes. Thank you.”

Then he looked up.

And for a moment Levi had the thought that if he’d only move or speak or breathe even, the world would fall apart.

He went back to his tea with a slightly quickened heartbeat alongside an inkling of knowing in his gut. It got confirmed when they went to bed and Eren simply declared it was his turn to be the big spoon now, rolling Levi over and cradling him against his own chest, his hand coming to a rest over Levi's stomach.

It should have been presumptuous. It was presumptuous. But then Levi felt the protective warmth flush against his back, Eren’s nose nestling into his hair with a little sigh, and Eren’s arm holding him close and safe. It felt good, and although the initial panic of something unfamiliar, of being trapped, wanted to rise behind Levi's ribs in an attempt to press out through his skin and up his throat, he didn't let it.

It was Eren. It would be alright.

Levi closed his eyes.

 

\- - -

 

Morning came and with it a distinctive pressure against his backside.

Recapitulating last night’s events, Levi opened his eyes and warily evaluated Eren’s state as he slipped into full awareness. His arm was wrapped loosely around Levi, and by the way his exhales puffed softly against Levi’s neck, even and deep, he was still fast asleep.

Carefully wriggling away from the urging bulge against his arse, Levi frowned. He knew why it felt this good to be here. The truth made him swallow.

Over the years, Eren had made certain to let Levi know how he felt. Levi had seen the looks, the coy smiles, detected the flirting that was just the right amount of bold and carefree alike so it wouldn’t be pushy, but wouldn’t go unnoticed either.

He couldn’t fully deny that he was flattered. Intrigued even. Compelled.

It wasn’t particularly new to him that people trusted him with general things. He’d been some kind of hero to humanity ever since Erwin had dragged him out of the slums and into the sun. But it never had meant much to him. They didn’t know him, didn’t see who he was, didn’t know anything about him but his strength, some vague rumours, and their hope in something ideal. He’d even encountered a couple of crushes on him throughout his life. But he hadn’t much cared for either of them. They were too insistent in a clingy way, too blinded by his reputation, too superficial, too restricting.

Eren however, was different. He knew about Levi’s cleanliness, knew about his bad ankle, knew about his penchant for good tea, about some rather bad habits. He now even knew about Levi's nightmares. He knew about Levi’s morning routine, knew about as much as anyone had ever known about him, and yet he still was there, putting his own life, his whole trust, into Levi’s hands up to the point in which he wanted to share a bed and his sleep with him…and probably more. He saw him, completely, in all his homeliness and ugliness and weakness that mingled with the only strength Levi truly had: his ability to survive and fight.

It should have been odd. It should have been terrifying. Only that it didn’t feel like it.

With Eren, it felt like the natural cause of things and yet Levi knew that this was bad. Wrong. He felt filthy and was disgusted at himself for even thinking about it.

He didn’t want to long for a gorgeous, young man who was so many years his junior. Eren not only carried the title of Hope, but also personified it in every way. Eren was intense, and youthful, and beautiful even in his rage. He was so warm and dazzling and bright. Whereas in comparison, Levi himself was jaded and old and unprepossessing and boring, boring, boring.

He knew that Eren was strong enough, old enough, to make up his own mind, to know what he wanted. He also knew that Eren wouldn’t budge, wouldn’t be bent. He also knew that Eren cared as little for other’s opinions as soon as he had his own mind set up, as Levi did himself. Eren's spirit never was and never would be caged.

Eren deserved so much better. Deserved someone much more positive in his life. Someone less strange. Someone who could touch his heart and who he could he playful with. Levi didn’t want to exploit his affections. It would be like taking advantage. And yet, Levi couldn’t stop himself from coming back night after night, to hug Eren close or to be embraced warmly, gently, in return as long as he was let.

Because, truth was, he’d never felt as alive as he did in Eren’s arms.

 

\- - -

 

After another couple of days with more or less restless sleep on both sides, Levi woke up to a hand drawing tender lines on his stomach.

It was a careful caress, innocent almost. Just fingers having crawled under his shirt to move tentatively over his skin, tracing his muscles, brushing over his hairs so feathery that it almost tickled. Then a fingertip gently dipped into his belly button and Levi felt himself shudder against his own will. Lingering there. After a moment of neither of them moving or daring to breathe, the hand boldly trailed further, under the band of his trousers, over his lower abdomen and pubic hair, only to brazenly wrap around his half-hard cock, its thumb circling once, just once, over the sensitive tip of his head. It stopped there, waiting for a reprimand or an admission, and when Levi gave none of either it slowly but decisively began to move, to stroke, to squeeze, and then to pump.

Levi breathed sharply and pushed back, knowing—feeling—Eren was already hard too. He stifled a moan against Levi’s neck, touched himself, and after only a few thrusts he stilled, then twitched and groaned, taking Levi with him with one more little twist and a final pull of his hand.

Afterwards Levi didn’t even have it in himself to go to the bathroom to clean up. He knew, he’d regret it in the morning. His eyes, however, closed on their own, completely without his permission, so he pressed his back against a broad, wonderfully warm and comforting chest, and a smiling face nuzzling into his hair, as he fell asleep again; Eren’s hand now holding on to the fabric of Levi’s shirt. His breath a whispered sigh in Levi’s ears.

In the morning, neither of them made much eye contact.

After grimacing at the evidence and entangling from their sticky clothes, they went on with business as usual—shower, tea, then breakfast—without mentioning anything that had happened during the night, though Eren had a silent smile tugging at lips all day long.  

Levi considered to not go back into Eren’s bed again. He even considered it might be best to move out of that quarter altogether. At dinner Eren glanced at him though, eyes fierce and pleading and smiling so hopefully, and Levi nodded before turning his attention back to his potatoes.

When Levi skidded up to Eren’s back that night, wilfully trying to evade a situation like the night before, Eren didn’t protest and mumbled a quiet “thank you.”

Nuzzling into Eren’s neck Levi closed his eyes, bracing himself. “Only at night,” he settled. “Only here.”

Eren reached for his hand and didn’t let go. “Yes.”

 

\- - -

 

It didn’t much surprise Levi when Mikasa came to see him on the next day. They’d just finished with afternoon training and Levi was in their quarter, busy with some paperwork, as the firm knock on the door came.

Levi bid her to come in and after closing the door behind her, she sat on the armchair in front of his desk, her face a mask of determination.

“I’m here because of Eren.”

Holding her gaze, Levi nodded as he put away his pen to let her speak.

“I don’t know what happens here and I guess it isn’t my business anyway unless he wants to tell me. Are you…” she frowned, “involved?”

“You are right,” Levi said, keeping his expression neutral. “You should wait for him to tell you when he’s ready.”

She folded her hands in her lap. “He seems happy.”

“He is getting more rest,” he evaded her unasked question. “He eats better.”

“Does he still have nightmares? Armin told me about them.”

Levi didn’t answer.

She nodded. “What are your intentions, exactly. With him.”

“What are yours?” Levi asked back. 

For a moment her gaze fell onto his desk, but eventually she lifted it again and the anger or frustration that Levi had nearly anticipated failed to appear. In its place was only honest concern, mingling with dedication. “I don’t want him, if you’re asking that. But I see how he looks at you and I want him to be safe.”

“I want him to be safe too,” Levi agreed.

For a moment he asked himself what had made him into a caretaker for young souls. He wasn’t particularly amiable. He didn’t have any nice words either and certainly wasn’t the right person to come to for relationship advice. Yet here she sat, looking at him as if he held the answers to all her life questions.

“Tea?” he asked, seeking support in something practical. “I just made myself a pot.”

Her lips twitched. “Yes, please.”

“Mm.”

He fetched her a second cup, and filled it before taking his seat again. “I didn’t encourage him.” He frowned, refilling his own cup. “…I think. There’d definitely be someone more suitable for him. But he seems to think differently.”

“He’s stubborn,” Mikasa said. 

Levi couldn’t argue with that and offered a little smile at her fond remark. “There’d definitely be someone more suitable for you too, though.”

She blushed into her cup, if only faintly. “Like I said. I don’t want him like that. I think I thought I did once. But not anymore.”

Feeling the smooth china of his own cup pressing warmly against his fingertips, Levi thought of Eren. “We should choose someone who isn’t scared of looking at us and doesn’t turn away, even when it gets dirty.”

“He does see you,” Mikasa replied.

“Yes. Even though I don’t know why,” Levi admitted.

Once more she nodded, and when she looked at him again with eyes that sometimes reminded him so much of his mother, he already knew what she was about to say.

“You love him.”

It was her right to ask that, Levi guessed. Apart from himself, and he didn’t fully count himself in as far as this discussion was concerned, Eren was every rest of family she had, extended by Armin.

Levi eyed her sternly, willing his voice to stay calm. “Will you tell him if I said yes?”

“No. But I won’t lie if he should ask.”

“Yes.”

“I thought so.” Her small smile was sad, but genuine. “I love him too.”

“He’s lucky to have you,” Levi said.

“We’re lucky to have you too,” she answered, put down her empty cup, and rose. “Thank you for the tea.”

It was only after she was gone and Levi was alone again, that he realised she had avoided to either address him with his title or with his name. She also hadn’t asked him to take good care of Eren.

 

\- - -

 

That night Levi learned how to kiss.

With his offer from last night hanging between them, it all started like their familiar routine. The difference was that now he could sense Eren’s expectant looks following him all evening long, prickling in his back. They still were there when he told Eren to go to bed and they still were somehow there when Eren obediently rolled over to let Levi cradle him, offering his legs to warm Levi’s feet.

Taking one last steadying breath, Levi slipped under the blanket and hugged him from behind. Closing his eyes, he breathed Eren in and goosebumps rose under his nose, making Eren shiver and whisper.

“Please.”

Suddenly it was all easy.

Levi ran a finger over the sensitive skin and Eren gasped, stretched his neck into the touch and whimpered as Levi began to explore the spot with his lips. Eren’s hands audibly dug into the fabric of his pillow, his breath got quicker and panting and when Levi let his hand glide over Eren’s shirt, Eren rolled around, straddled Levi, and lowered his head until their lips nearly touched.

Levi could feel and smell and taste Eren’s breath fanning irregularly over his face. Eren’s eyes shone brightly and were nearly black, not demanding anything, but asking, waiting, noses nudging, body still shivering, and Levi slid his fingers into Eren’s hair to pull him closer. Lips brushed over his, searchingly and with a startled hitch of breath, and Levi licked over Eren’s bottom lip, only to be met with an eager tongue against his own, upper one. Once, twice, thrice. Hot, wet, achingly good.

Eren’s breath quickened and deepened even more over him, and when smooth fingertips feathered over Levi’s cheekbones and his neck, only to wander further and over his pulse, his collarbones, his sternum, he caught Eren by his hips, rolled them over and took a look into his sparkling eyes before kissing Eren properly.

Warm, it was so warm. Eren’s scent in his mouth. His puffs of breath against Levi’s own, filling his lungs. His lips firm yet soft. His fingers curling and unclenching against Levi’s shoulders, his hands eagerly beginning to map Levi’s chest and back, fingers spread and curious and confident. The small, encouraging sounds he made urging Levi on. Eren didn’t go as far as the last time, didn’t let a hand glide over bare skin, and Levi almost feared he’d do it deliberately, waiting for Levi to ask for it. To give him permission. To beg. 

His whole body ached with want, hungered for the man lying underneath him, wanted to feel, to be touched, to be connected, but Eren still only answered his kisses, eagerly yet decisively refraining from anything else but pulling him close, closer, and closer still, until it felt like he’d try to pull Levi into him through his own skin.

Levi gave in, searched, grabbed, and tugged at Eren’s shirt, ruffling his hair as he pulled it over his head while Eren helped him out of his shirt as well and rolled them over again only to push their hips together, holding on to Levi’s bare shoulders without stopping their kiss. Eren whimpered into his mouth and began to roll and grind, slowly, so slowly, hotly and so hard against Levi’s own erection.

“Levi, I– So close.” His voice broke.

“Yes.”

Eren went still, made a needy noise as he began to jerk, and Levi came to the shuddering brush of Eren’s lips and the tip of Eren’s tongue urging against his.

They were silent afterwards. Eren sank down against his chest while Levi’s hands moved into Eren’s hair on their own, holding him there, listening to their shared heartbeats.

“We should clean up,” Levi said eventually as Eren’s leg began to twitch, announcing sleep. “Not a chance I’ll wake up again like that last time. Come on. Up we go.”

Eren chuckled lazily and let him go with one last kiss against his neck.

When Eren emerged from the bathroom, showered as well and completely naked except for a pair of fresh shorts, Levi didn’t protest and rolled over to wordlessly offer Eren his back.

Eren kissed his shoulder and hugged him close with a whispered “goodnight.”

 

\- - -

 

It was easy to fall in love with kissing Eren. Almost too easy.

Some nights, Eren would wait until they were both in bed, pressing Levi into the mattress from above, or starting to nibble at his neck. Sometimes he’d wait until Levi made the first move. Sometimes they simply fell asleep with one pair of lips pressed to the other one’s shoulder, nape, or chest. On other nights again, Eren was impatient and rapturous and would be all over Levi as soon as the door fell into its lock behind them with a click that shut the rest of the world out.

Soon Levi was addicted to feel that smile against his lips, to taste the little, playful chuckles, to feel Eren all around him like a protective cocoon. Sometimes Eren laughed in the middle of sex, something which Levi would never have thought possible. Before Eren, sex never had had any much positive connection with his thoughts. Eren though, would just snicker out of the blue sometimes and smile, and Levi could only stare and soak it all up until his chest felt too full.

One night, only a few days after their first, Eren looked up at Levi with too intense eyes, angled his legs and spread them, and in their shared haste the good part of the oil spilled onto the bed sheets. Eren giggled so hard that Levi had to make him shut up and gasp. It was so tight and hot and slippery, Eren's oil-slicked fingers trying to get hold of Levi's shoulders and arse to urge him in deeper, and in the end Levi looked at the mess they'd made and couldn't fight a small, smug smile as well.

It was also too easy to fall in love with Eren's hand in his, holding on to each other right before sleep or comparing fingers. Eren's big palm pressing warmly against Levi's, his long, slender fingers so much in contrast to his own, calloused and pale ones, fingertips tracing lifelines and knuckles, wrists and pulse points, running over small birth marks and prominent veins.

Another time Levi began to trace lines on Eren's body, on the back of his right hand, on his upper arms and thighs, over his chest, everywhere he could remember. When Eren shuddered and Levi looked up at him, his whole chest clenched in sudden fear as he couldn't do anything as Eren broke into tears.

The rest of the evening they spent in the tub. Levi washed Eren's hair and simply held him close.

It didn't much surprise him when the nightmares returned to him later that night. He was glad to see though, that Eren’s positive nature returned within the course of the next morning and when Eren grinned at him at night and began to kiss a trail down his chest, Levi couldn't really care about the nightmares any longer for quite a while.

It was clear to him that their relationship must be a feast for the gossip mill at HQ. It was also clear that Hanji, though she never let anything on apart from a curious, yet all-too-knowing, gaze every now and then, was aware of what happened in their quarter. Levi was grateful that she refrained from asking any questions and not mentioned anything about relocating them to separate rooms.

It kept on being easy to fall for Eren. For his embrace. For his scent, the look in his eyes.

Levi counted every single night, fearing—knowing—that this was all too good to last. He expected Eren to get enough eventually, and he knew he’d let him go and come back and go again, whatever he'd wish for.

He was prepared for the blow. Yet when he was called into Hanji’s office one cold winter's day, he had to admit that he wasn't prepared from which direction it came.

 

\- - - 

 

“They can’t just let you go!” Eren fumed when Levi told him the news half an hour later. He was pacing up and down in their shared office, his eyes nearly glowing in a lethal blue, his hands clenched into fists.

“They can. I’m old, Eren. I’m of no worth to them anymore.”

“Hell, you aren’t. You’re Captain Levi!”

“Eren.” Although it was rather unhelpful, he was almost flattered by Eren's outrage for his sake. He also wondered for a second, what must be wrong with him that he truly found Eren breathtaking in all his anger and rage. “Stop.”

Eren only growled and went on. “What would I even be without you. Where’d they be! What would I do? I’d probably be skinned by now or what do I know, and all of them dead.”

“Eren.” Levi held his gaze. “Enough! This doesn't change anything about the situation.”

Eren breathed.

Levi nodded.

“I don’t want you to be gone.”

“I know.”

“How long?” Eren asked. 

“Two more weeks.”

Eren looked at him, still furious, then suddenly so gentle and determined, stepped forward, and kissed him deeply.

It was the middle of the day, went against their rule of ‘at night only’, and yet Levi didn’t even hesitate for a moment before kissing back. To hell with it!

He took his time in undressing Eren, unwrapping him from his gear, fingers gliding under the hem of Eren’s shirt, first exploring his warm, smooth skin just like this, then gripping the fabric and pulling it over his head, exposing muscles and ribs and hardening nipples and a rushing trace of goosebumps on the tanned chest that he’d touched and tasted so many times now but never in broad daylight. Eren flinched with a small chuckle when Levi followed the hairline down his stomach with his fingertips. He sighed when Levi leaned in to kiss his neck, and when Levi began to undo his pants, Eren urged forward to free Levi from his clothes as well. Two sets of fingers fumbled with straps and buttons and hems and too many layers of fabric as they continued kissing, hands eagerly slipping under cotton and wool before pulling at it, only to lift up again to fist hair and when they’d finally found their way to the bed, it all was quick and rough and greedy. Eren pressed against him with eager, little moans and smiles, arching, gasping, pulling Levi in until they both were empty and panting in their afterglow.

“What will you do?” Eren asked afterwards, his fingers playing with Levi’s hair, his voice calm and saturated. They’d already cleaned up, but Eren had pulled Levi right back into the freshly made bed, naked as they were.

Levi felt himself relax against the familiar body, inhaling his scent and his reassuring warmth, listening to his steady heartbeat, and feeling oddly comforted. When had Eren found out he loved intimacy like this most when there was nothing else but naked skin against naked skin? “I don’t know,” he admitted.

Eren pressed closer and his nose nuzzled against the top of Levi’s head, inhaling, while his fingers kept on massaging Levi’s scalp and neck.

“All I’ve ever wanted, ever since I can remember, was to be a soldier,” Eren offered into the silence. “I don’t even know what I’d do without the army. I always wanted to be a member of the Survey Corps. Even before Shingashina fell.” He chuckled. “I always wanted to fight with you.”

Levi couldn’t help a faint smirk which he tried to hide against Eren’s chest.

“You did,” he eventually said.

“I did,” Eren agreed.

A kiss against his hair.

Levi swallowed.

“What did you want to do?” Eren asked, his big, callous-free hand moving out of Levi’s hair to stroke his back. Up and down his spine. Up and down and up again. Gentle fingers caressing his nerve endings, coddling him with warmth.

Levi didn’t know what to say anymore.

“Levi?”

He frowned and in lack of anything to say, he began to map Eren’s ribs and indulge in the twitching of his muscles whenever Levi came close to tickling him at his lower waist.

With another hum against Levi’s ear Eren’s hand moved upwards again and now began to toy with the stubbles of Levi’s undercut. Levi knew, he understood. Despite always wanting to be a soldier, Eren had never wanted the responsibility of being Humanity’s Hope. Or a Titan. He understood what it meant to have no free choice.

“When I was younger, I wanted to have a tea shop,” Levi said finally.

He could feel Eren’s smile, but the laugh that he’d anticipated never came.

“You’d be great with that,” Eren said. His voice was so very serious.

Not moving from his position on Eren’s chest, Levi scowled. Eren still noticed.

“What,” he said. “You would be.” His hand was still resting on Levi’s neck, but he didn’t say anything else for a long while and simply returned to stroking Levi’s spine.

“If this is about you being too old,” Eren held Levi tightly now, so he couldn’t escape without using force, ”you’re not. You’re not like me, you know? You are amazing. You could do anything you’d set your mind to. I only have my stubbornness. You…you have so much more, Levi. This could be a chance. I–” Eren paused and cleared his throat. “I want you to be happy.”

Levi waited before he answered. “What if I don’t know how.”

“I’ll help. Just…watch and learn.”

The answer was so honest and genuine and simple and playful alike, so Eren, and it came so instantly and gravely, that Levi didn’t know what to do with it but wheeze a helpless laugh. Never had anyone given him so much without asking for anything in return. Never had anyone held him close like this as he laughed, fingers softly brushing his skin, his neck, his back, caressing him as if he were something precious. And never had he trusted anyone else so much that he’d simply let himself fall into everything, closing his eyes and completely throwing off his usual guard.

It was so good here. So right.

He never wanted to leave from this embrace.

Only a few weeks ago he’d wished they’d never run out of nights. Now it seemed they’d only even have a few days. He couldn’t ask Eren to come with him. Wouldn’t stand in his way for a future he’d always wanted.

“I can't believe this is actually happening,” Eren mumbled. “They’re so stupid to do dismiss you.”

“They shouldn’t have put you into a dungeon with almost no option out either,” Levi replied. “That was pretty stupid of them too.”

Eren snorted. “Not nearly as stupid as this.”

“It's not like they've always been fond of me. I guess, letting people go was just the perfect opportunity for them to finally get rid of me.”

“They still shouldn’t let you go like this.”

“Mm."

Levi fell asleep to the question when their roles had shifted. He’d always felt he was the one to protect Eren, to keep him away from harm and despair. Today it felt like things had turned a whole turnaround.

And yet, somehow, Levi didn’t even mind. He only wished they'd had just a bit more time.

 

\- - -

 

Of course, the changes in his life didn’t keep away the dreams.

They came with full force that night, at least to Eren. Levi awoke to kicking feet and tear-strained cries. He held Eren close until he relaxed again and when Levi found back to sleep himself it was already close to dawn.

It was odd to put on his gear, knowing that he’d only wear it for a couple of more days.

Eren seemed to have similar thoughts. “You could ask Historia for work,” he said as they drank their morning tea.

“Hm.” Levi could. He even had already thought of that himself. “The orphanage probably always is glad about any sort of help too. I’d have a bed there. And food.” He wouldn’t go back to stealing, not if he could avoid it.

Roughly estimated, he could live on what he had for a year or maybe even two without having to find work. Admittedly, he certainly had more than others, due to the unusually long period of his service and his disinterest in hiring prostitutes in his free time. But the high quality tea he preferred was a luxury and his savings still were from rather scarce military wages and nothing much to speak of.

Green eyes looked at him sternly under a stubborn frown. “You can always stay here, you know.”

“Eren,” Levi paused, stopping himself.

As generous as the offer was, and as much as he appreciated it, they both knew he wouldn’t accept it. Not only that. He had his doubts that the military would keep Eren with himself gone. He had always been Eren’s safety net for the military, even after they’d declared him a trustworthy, free, soldier after Stohess. As long Levi was there they had some kind of insurance that Eren wouldn’t be a threat. Now however…

He didn’t know for certain, though. Only knew that at least they didn’t plan to execute Eren. Hanji would have said something. With all of Eren’s reputation as a hero, it also would cast a bad image and would ruin their post-war prestige. Levi wouldn’t let it happen too. Especially with the recent turn of events he had no obligations to them whatsoever.

But the higher-ups could still set Eren loose to wash their hands off any responsibility for him. If he’d shift and cause any trouble, it wouldn’t be the military’s problem any more as soon as he wasn’t in their service any longer. Not legally, and moral never truly had been their strongest suit. On the other hand, he was still a powerful weapon. And there was always the option that Mikasa would take Levi’s place. She more or less already had so anyway.

They’d have wait and see.

“You should talk to Hanji about this,” Levi simply said, nudging his foot against Eren’s legs in a silent thank you.

Eren scowled in response and nodded. “I will.”

 

\- - -

 

In hindsight Levi had to admit, he should have seen things coming. Eren had always been this impulsive and had always been capable of making big life decisions without even worrying about them as he did so.

In hindsight he also had to admit, the signs were there all day: Eren’s resolute frown, Mikasa’s and Armin’s gazes, Hanji’s odd, little smile, and then again the determined line of Eren’s lips.

Still, when they'd retreated to their quarter and Eren said he had news, Levi was caught completely off-guard.

“You quit?”

For the first time in a very long time Levi found himself to be furious. He had to put his cup with freshly brewed tea down onto its saucer so he wouldn't accidentally break it. “Why,” he demanded.

“I'd had enough.” Eren merely shrugged, sipping at his tea, completely nonchalant and at ease.

“Bullshit," Levi snapped. "How could you do that!”

“How could I not!” Eren shot back, his own temper rising by the second now. “I don't trust them anymore.”

“I can't let you do this, Eren.” Levi stood up to make his point.

“Why not. You of all people should know that I'm perfectly capable of making my own choices. You taught me that!”

By now Eren’s anger was tangible. He’d stood up as well, looking absolutely livid. Rage radiated off his body in waves of heat, grating on Levi’s skin like a whet stone and burning in his guts.

Levi shook his head as he willed his voice to be composed again. “You're making a mistake, Eren. Don't do this for me.”

“Why the fuck not.”

“Because I'm not worth this! You shouldn't give up you dream for me. Your whole future.”

Eren laughed, but this time it didn't sound cheerful at all. It sounded bitter and wounded. “Do you honestly think that? Do you hate yourself this much?”

“Wh-” Levi began, but Eren already continued.

His eyes were flaring blue again and when he approached Levi, Levi instinctively stepped back until he was pressed against he next wall. “I want you, you arsehole. You! Fuck being a soldier, or whatever, really, if there isn't you! I love you. And if they think they can just sack you, after everything you've done for them, fine! So be it. But not with me!”

For a long moment, Levi could only stare. His ears rang. His pulse was hammering in this throat. There was no floor under his feet anymore and his chest was too tight, his skin raw. 

He also was rock hard.

Then he blinked. “You... Why.”

Eren deflated where he stood, only inches away, his expression instantly worried, confused even, his voice gentle. “I thought you knew. I always have. And do I really need a reason?”

Levi looked up into Eren's eyes, green again and honest and so full with compassionate hurt and tenderness that it ached. Completely lost for words, he took Eren by his hand and led him to the bed.

 

\- - -

 

There wasn't much gentleness this time. Only want and fight.

Levi needed it. He needed Eren's nails biting into skin through his shirt and Eren's teeth greedily pulling at his lips. Needed Eren's mouth on his neck, kissing, sucking biting, growling, marking him with spots of blue and purple until he felt dizzy. He needed Eren's stormy kisses that still tasted like anger, but also like trust and desperation, like more, yes more, need you now, and when their hands simultaneously began to frantically tear away each other's clothes, he needed that too. Off, off, off!, until they finally were skin on skin, hot and wet and slippery, panting, pushing, stretching, sinking, falling…and in the end it was over much too quickly. 

He barely made in into the bathroom to clean himself up before he collapsed back on the bed again, Eren next to him. Big, green eyes were crinkling softly around the edges as Eren's hands instantly reached out for Levi to pull him back into his arms. 

Levi closed his eyes and breathed. 

Warm. Eren. Protection. Good. 

“Was it really that hard to believe?” Eren asked quietly, his words vibrating softly against Levi's ear where it lay on Eren's chest. "Is it still?"

Blinking his eyes open again, Levi frowned.

“Remember that night when you first came here?” Eren didn't wait for Levi's reply before he continued, his fingers were once more tracing tender lines on Levi's back, as if they'd never get enough of this. “I'd heard you scream in your sleep and didn't know what to do. I just wished it would all stop.”

Levi wrapped his arm tighter around Eren, nearly not daring to believe what he heard.

His orgasm lay pleasantly heavy in his bones, making him sleepy and almost euphoric in a way that made it too easy to think of this as a dream he’d wake up from every moment. But Eren was alive and breathing in his arms and Levi's whole body ached in too many places from being taken and claimed in all the best ways, that confirmed over and over again that this must be real.

“I won't let them get rid of you like this and assign me to my younger sister as if I needed babysitting,” Eren stated. “If you have to go, I go with you.” He was quiet for a moment. “If you let me.”

Searching for Eren's eyes with his own in the approaching darkness, Levi shifted on the mattress. “I love you too.”

Eren grinned. “I know. Thank you. Ouch!” He laughed when Levi let go of his nipple and the sound was brilliant and bright.

There was a small but glowing gratefulness in Levi’s thoughts as his mind caught up on the fact, that at least they had intended to let Eren stay. He wondered for a moment what Mikasa must have thought about being assigned her new role as a watchdog for someone completely trustworthy from her point of view. Probably insulted and deeply offended, Levi concluded. In any case not entirely enthusiastic.

“What will you do?” Levi asked after a while.

“I don't know. Run a tea shop?”

Levi huffed at the quib.

When Eren spoke again, his voice was serious and calm with contemplation. “I thought about enlisting for medical training.”

Levi nodded, somehow feeling the need to snuggle even closer. “That's hard work.”

“I know. I want to help.”

Levi reached for Eren's hand and squeezed it. “Then you will.”

“Mm.”

“I'll miss the flying,” Levi admitted after another while of content silence.

“Me too. Luckily for us, Hanji said we could borrow the gear every now and then if we ask nicely and have a drink with her every other weekend or so to catch up.”

Levi smiled. "Good." Sleep was reaching out for him after all, settling on him like a blanket and making his eyes fall shut.

“Thank you,” he mumbled.

Eren kissed his head. “Always.”

Tomorrow, Levi thought, already drifting away. Tomorrow, they would start anew.

Levi couldn’t wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Feedback is loved. <3


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